the mechanism of my mind

most of the time i just create reasons to exaggerate my feelings so i can feel sad about it. sometimes i think i'm addicted to sadness. well maybe i kinda am. at times i enjoy the feeling of being able to talk about something poeticly and being to express my thoughts into words because i dont know why, but i cant do it as well as when i'm in a good mood. its like all the words of sorrow and disappointment just flows to my mind and gave me alot of things to think about. compared to when i'm happy, i just think about one thing which is the reason why i was feeling happy that time. wow i sound very emo ._. so anyways, i have a biology test tomorrow yet i'm here talking about sorrow and sadness as if i have a choice, but honestly i'm here just to say how i want to get over this exaggeration. i'm tired of having to feel "this" every time something doesnt go the way how i expected them to be. i know, that its actually my fault. because i kept repeating the same thing over and over and over until god know when, but seriously. the thing about me is that when i expected something to happen, i add alot of "toppings, sugar and ice cream" to it, i know this is pretty normal but it just makes me feel extra bad when the reality says otherwise you know? its like walking on thin ice and doctrine yourself that it wont break while you are aware of the danger and the pain that its gonna bring you if it does break. i just kept repeating it in school, in homeworks and everything else that involves my future. i act as if i have a better choice and overlooked the gigantic fact of "right answer". maybe this is what they call a mid life crisis. i dont know. so yeah. i think i better study now -_-

A Night to Remember

aaaah tonight went pretty well hehe, it went waaay better than how i expected it to be. i get to see him since after about more than a week <3 how i miss him so much haha. Tonight is a night that i will remember after all of this time. we went out to eat, we laughed about a bunch of things, its the first time we actually get to talk personally and he kinda held my hand hahahahaha, tonight just feels so damn right and it feels like i'm totally high on love and stuff haha. so goodnight blogger hahahahahaha

that feeling

the unknown feelings of weirdness and disturbance. i got no one to blame or even reasons to feel this way, but still i do and am feeling this way. it starts from small things that i tend to exaggerate for entertainment. god why am i doing this to myself. a thousands expressions to put in words but none can actually, precisely, describe this one. i'm in a hotel room right now, thinking about nothing and create my own problems. its not you, its me. it was never you, it was always me. the feeling of care is sometimes brought down by the wonders of my mind. i love you so much but i cant stop thinking that i always do something wrong, for not being able to fulfill all your expectations. you expected so little from me, while i gave you something thats way less than a little. sometimes  you just passed thru my mind and the guilt starts to catch me again.